My Truths
I have a tendency to not talk about things and burying them deep down in my soul. Somehow I worry that what I tell someone would be used against me or they will react negatively to what I tell them. So I keep suppressing these secrets in hopes they will disappear.
What I am learning is that they unconsciously manifest into an action, mood or anxiety. Here I plan (more like attempt) on being open with my truths. I must stop being my worst enemy and self destructing everything around me as a defense mechanism.
Today I started with my first truth.
My sister recently went to dinner with someone and when I was told about it I flipped out. All I could do is say to my mom is that I hated that MF'er. I never try to hate, so for me to say that one must realize I must have a reason. As a child there was a family member who did something to me. I never told my parents out of fear I would be blamed or looked at differently. For years I hid this from people because I never thought it could affect me as I had removed myself from that person as much as I possibly could.
Then my dad got cancer and this person was back in my life. I knew for the sake of my dad I would have to play nice. I do not even know how to put into words how badly this emotionally weighed on me. I wanted to be there for my dad, but I struggled with knowing other person would be around. There was no way to avoid the situation. I could not tell my dad I did not want this person around because he would ask why.
How does one tell her dying father something like that? You don't.
When we came home, when my dad died, this person seemed all buddy-buddy with Jonathan. It sent me over the edge. How do I even begin to try to open up and explain to Jonathan I needed him to stay away from him. That I felt betrayed that he liked this person and enjoyed talking to him when I never told him what was going on inside of me. It hurt me, but it was my fault for not telling him. Just with all that had taken place with us, I did not need it to seem I was trying to deflect from our problems.
On top of what was happening with my father, this secret also played a part in me being reckless and self destructive in Japan.
Now trying to explain this to Jonathan would not accomplish anything as he no longer believes anything I say. However I know that if I do not let this secret go it will keep eating away at me.
This afternoon on my way home from work I told my mom this secret. I did not go in to details, because I could not get the words to come out of my mouth, but I told her who the person is. Her reaction is upsetting to me. It took so much courage for me to open up and I feel that she really does not understand what happened. She kept deflecting about other things regarding my dad.
All I needed to hear was - I am sorry that happened to you and that you felt you could not tell us. However I know that your dad would not have been upset with you or his love for you change.
It almost feels like I need forgiveness for being a victim. How screwed up is that? That is why I need to feel believed and protected, not judged by the men in my life. If I don't, how can I tell you I need help or let you know why I am having the reaction that seems so over the top.
I am hoping that this post will help me in the healing process. Because after the reaction I received today, I do not know if I can ever allow myself to be vulnerable again and tell someone. I want to let it go so I can be a better person, therefore a better partner.
What I am learning is that they unconsciously manifest into an action, mood or anxiety. Here I plan (more like attempt) on being open with my truths. I must stop being my worst enemy and self destructing everything around me as a defense mechanism.
Today I started with my first truth.
My sister recently went to dinner with someone and when I was told about it I flipped out. All I could do is say to my mom is that I hated that MF'er. I never try to hate, so for me to say that one must realize I must have a reason. As a child there was a family member who did something to me. I never told my parents out of fear I would be blamed or looked at differently. For years I hid this from people because I never thought it could affect me as I had removed myself from that person as much as I possibly could.
Then my dad got cancer and this person was back in my life. I knew for the sake of my dad I would have to play nice. I do not even know how to put into words how badly this emotionally weighed on me. I wanted to be there for my dad, but I struggled with knowing other person would be around. There was no way to avoid the situation. I could not tell my dad I did not want this person around because he would ask why.
How does one tell her dying father something like that? You don't.
When we came home, when my dad died, this person seemed all buddy-buddy with Jonathan. It sent me over the edge. How do I even begin to try to open up and explain to Jonathan I needed him to stay away from him. That I felt betrayed that he liked this person and enjoyed talking to him when I never told him what was going on inside of me. It hurt me, but it was my fault for not telling him. Just with all that had taken place with us, I did not need it to seem I was trying to deflect from our problems.
On top of what was happening with my father, this secret also played a part in me being reckless and self destructive in Japan.
Now trying to explain this to Jonathan would not accomplish anything as he no longer believes anything I say. However I know that if I do not let this secret go it will keep eating away at me.
This afternoon on my way home from work I told my mom this secret. I did not go in to details, because I could not get the words to come out of my mouth, but I told her who the person is. Her reaction is upsetting to me. It took so much courage for me to open up and I feel that she really does not understand what happened. She kept deflecting about other things regarding my dad.
All I needed to hear was - I am sorry that happened to you and that you felt you could not tell us. However I know that your dad would not have been upset with you or his love for you change.
It almost feels like I need forgiveness for being a victim. How screwed up is that? That is why I need to feel believed and protected, not judged by the men in my life. If I don't, how can I tell you I need help or let you know why I am having the reaction that seems so over the top.
I am hoping that this post will help me in the healing process. Because after the reaction I received today, I do not know if I can ever allow myself to be vulnerable again and tell someone. I want to let it go so I can be a better person, therefore a better partner.
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